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Olympic smoking: they make you eat your way through it.
Well, Zora, Mary, Gerald and C. Larence decided it was
high time I write another blawgo posting! Here go:
I'm far out there right now. I can't be held accountable for anything I do or say. I mean it's maddening. The trees are vomiting blood. The dasies are having flowerrhea it's gross! Ooh, Y'all gon' make me lose my mind. I've got to stop this Salvia business. She makes me go with her to these strange, hateful realities and people laugh at me as I try to climb out of them. It's like I get to really go through the looking-glass; to a completely separate reality but parallel to this one, and it's like "ha HA, Ness! Ya don't like it, do ya? YOU DON'T LIKE WONDERLAND IT'S SCARY! you can't get out, ha-HA! you can't get out!"
so I'm in an apartment now with Zora and Nathan. Strange combo. But we have all the things people our age have. Too much fun. Too little time, too many dishes in the sink, a cabinetfull of mismatched dinnerware, lots of ramen. I'm working a shirtfolding job now, I'm in a relationship, blazing a lot, learning how to cook better since we stay in a lot and chill. J.L. is dying. I don't know how she gets me to work most days. My goal for her is 200,000mi before she crumbles. I am that bold. Wish me luck.
I found out today that one of my friends has been checked in to rehab. At first I was sad for him, because that's tough, and you don't wish that kinda thing on anybody. But I learned that he was into some pretty hard stuff, and considering how lately Suzanna died because friends and family wrote her habit off as eccentricity and a free spirit when it was clearly beyond the point of being just harmful to her body. It made her go looking for trouble and danger regardless of who it would hurt. I think forcing rehab on a person, in these two cases, is a reasonable action.
Well guys I thought I had a lot to tell ye. Truth is, certain important and profound experiences, of a certain ilk, can get vaporised in no time at all, even if there's nothing else going on. They just recede back into your unconscious, or hell maybe you never found words for these events in the first place. But I think, what most likely happened is they went up in smoke.
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In the end of June a succulent I've known told me a few things about plants. And it's interesting to watch how they work, and to wonder. A week or something ago I killed Emily that lived in my head. I feel better now and it got me thinking how I've watched myself throwing people around. I build them up I cut them down, put them away or walk with them on a leash. And I keep watching because it's interesting to see how play with them changes over time. I think I'll never know what exactly to do with them...
Been stealing time away outdoors when it is efficient to do so. Sunday it was mosquitoes. Monday It was seed ticks. But I enjoy the time and it shows on my painting, when I find paintingtime. Been busy waiting for the past few weeks and one emphasizes and builds on the other so that a really lot is being done while I'm waiting to jump and get the doing I want finished so I can be doing how I do best for me. Mostly waiting for everyone who is in my way to get shit together. We see that I don't have much together most of the time, but if my wreck is in the path of your weck I sure move it hell out the way when I see yours coming. Respect. How fucking difficult is that? There should not be a fucking problem here.
I'm feeling older and tireder and more weary of people. Everywhere transparent oceans of people bashing me in the face. In public anymore I feel drowny and chokey and I have thoughts that maybe I should grab that tree quick and hold on tight so I don't go under and drown or maybe I should take a breath and swim hard with the current or maybe I should slow down and duck under and sit on the bottom until all this calms down. Ugh. Isn't it terrible? Some future time I want to go apart from them all, for a whole year. It's a fool thing to want and a fool I will always be.
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...would be a good name for the above picture.
I am hanging out with one of the green goddesses. On the good ship Venus, by christ you should have seen us, the figurehead was a whore in bed sucking a dead man's penis. The cook, his name was freeman. And he was a dirty demon... I'll bet you guys didn't need to know that. Hot-Carling Academy. Would you like to know why British people have bad teeth?
Do you know anything about music festivals? I went to my first ever music festival a few weeks ago. I took a week off work and camped up there with Zora and Will, and I was completely blown away. WAKA WAKA WAKARUSA! Hula hoops, great music, camping! Great weather! Perfect weather! Chill atmosphere, hay to lay on! The Molly, the Lucy, the Mary Jane! RRainbow vision! Cool people! Deadheads, Phish family, Rainbow family, kids and old people, all tripping! Smoke their dreads! I felt like I was in the middle of a street parade. More so than when I actually have been in the middle of a parade! Like a musical acid test, and prankster buses everywhere, and was that a prisoner transport van? And who wants to go to dee's diner? I do! Some of us forgot the word for orange peel. Some of us were dying, and some of us drank too much the first night and threw up in the revival tent. Some of us had tattoo ideas, got painted up, pushed water and vitamin C on our neighbors. Suspended sleep and disbelief. And I wish it wasn't over, I wish it never ended. I will never miss another music festival that I can afford to attend. I'm making everyone go next year. All of you, waka-waka with me next year. Especially Steph and Lindsey and Cristen, Katie and Hol.
I'm loving summer and I tolerated people so well on vacation that I think maybe I could tolerate having a boyfriend again. For awhile. Or at least I could start seeing Eddie or Tyler again, occasionally. Tyler is good at what he does, and all Eddie wants is more experience and a few quick demonstrations from me. Or there's Tim, when I get bored of them. He's not as into it, but he is closer. It was hardly ever boring with Tim. I'm still sad about cutting that one short, we could have gotten really insane, really sick. Anyway, I'm ready to give normal sex another try. Maybe it's not as dry as I remember. Oh, friends! Pray for me, that I may find that sick freak who is out there somewhere waiting for me. Who understands and compliments my needs with a set of complete opposite ones. Disgusting, sick and wrong ones. Le sigh.
Summer is great, but I haven't been humiliated or swimming in such a long time. You give me the number of the superhero for that problem.
go to http://www.worldwasntmeant.com
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I really want to own Tideland, a really lot. Or just to see it again, even from a distance...you can see that from Alaska, right? Or is that Russia you can see? No, wait, Alaska is kept in a little box just off the coast of California. Is that anywhere near Pepperland? Oh bother, I think we got off on the wrong exit. Let's find a QT and get off in their bathroom in stead.
soul sloshing .don't shush me.just listen to me.pretty little kitty.in the sky.
This book is trying to teach me to learn to play my guitar and it is going slow. I seldom learn things the way they do, anyway. I learn things backward. awkward. psychward. I blame it on the Tetons(god I need a scapegoat now), because one once told me that backward learning is good for the blood. Or was that an Aztec? Huchitec? Speaking of blood, I am feeling full of it again. It's time for a doubledose of Iron and a trip to the American Red Cross. Which, awkwardly, makes me feel un-American. Lately I like feeling American, because it's good for the humility and I don't get enough of that since nobody's beating me lately. So after the blood drive I'll do something American. I'm thinking Glut & Guilt? WaHo & Wal*Mart? Litter doorsteps with christian bibles translated in Texican? Bah, plans are for perpetual boys searching for their mothers. I'll wing it.
I think I want an intolerable beating for my birthday. But I've never had one of those...I mean I'd know one if I saw one, like Humbert Humbert would know a nymphet. The trouble is getting one for me. I'm bad at this game. And my luck that around here, those freaks who are loosed are all occupied with living up in the hills and growing their mutant tumors and drilling fresh holes in the bodies before they 'turn'. Artists, the lot of them.
So, if you could be a friend and give me a heads-up if you happen across any available institutional-strength floggings, that would be awesome.
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I miss school and students and teachers really. Because lately when I'm building or reading and I stop and look up to say "Wow! Dig that!" and there's nobody to share it with or bounce it off. This idea that I just took in for the first time and it sparked and blew my mind, and I'm alone with it. It's like: "Welcome to this public space, don't mind the girl with a supernova for a face."
Bright colors were hurting my ears and loud noises stung at my eyes. I took a sip of coffee with my mouth a mile from my mind. Two blocks away, a car turned a corner and ran over my face. Later, Soapy watched a ghost pick its way around the room, and when I woke up, my engines of peace were entirely befuddled. Beyond repair. Like a miracle. Smells and sights and sounds are fresh again, and what happened yesterday was years ago, Twelve is the new ten, and any thing is possible again.
There's this other thing that's happening lately. You know that ghost that whispers my name sometimes? (Not 'ghost' as in 'inclination', or 'habit', but really a ghost whispers my name sometimes. Yeah hi my name's vanessa and sometimes my words mean what they really mean, get over it) Well it's been maybe 18 months(?) since it said anything but "Vanessa". It said "Look". just now it said that. It's been doing that lately. Also 4 days ago.
"We're not friends and you know it" Congratulations to my remaining 92 facebook friends; I think we may still find some use for each other. Elsewhere, five unlucky bastards heave synchronized sighs, grit their teeth, and say "fuck my life". Wait! There is good news for two of you.
Tyler: Start going by "Ty" this summer, get a tan and your own place.
Tim: Don't forget your sister this summer. Also get your own place.
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